its only words...and words are all i have

A Thousand Words...

2009-01-27T06:27:16Z

it's 17 degress farenheit outside and this is what i see near the grocery store parking lot...which is close to the highway...

milk and cereal

i don't understand...but it makes my heart hurt

29, 2, 40, 11

2008-11-12T09:22:58Z

days...hours...minutes...seconds

until i see my youngest again.

it's been 55 days.

he's almost a United States Marine.

it's not what he said he was going to do, but plans change, i guess.
the changes in him are marvelous, though.

~that is all~

from the onesent...who was

2008-03-13T11:23:02Z

its so spring-like this morning
and all the days and hours are a blur...
running together and full to maddening...
and every waking moment and even in dreams
you are there, every thought includes you
and i wonder how you are.
From 14" of snow to warm breezes and sunshine,
my heart..

*sigh*

i can do this...and i don't care what ANYbody thinks.

2008-02-18T18:51:03Z

the truth will set you (implying self) free
its a big risk
alienating all those friends of mine"here" in LJ-land
ha ha
as if...
they are already.

but today i feel strong and brave
as if i could write the words, or speak them
that i cannot reconcile my life to this behavior
and yet i am no longer "IN" that "behavior"
but the lingering...it keeps me there in a way

and why not "here"
for this is where you
swerved
into me

the "stillness" was NEVER about being busy
but alwaysALWAYS about hurting
that pain in the upper left of my chest cavity
that doubling-over cramp deep in my tummy...
and i would say that i am sorry for the turn that "it" took
that my operating in freedom
infringed upon others
my freedom brought death
my demonstrations
cost me
more than a mountain of debt, yes
but really cost me my life as i knew it
and the amazing thing to me is,
had you not swerved
i would still be content
to sit here
hour after hour, day after day, week after week
for the few minutes of time you afforded me
sit and wait
obscured from life, touching, laughing, socializing
and this, now this --
not because of your work or family obligations, or even the swervees
but because of what you did with me AT FIRST
all those hours, minutes, days
you couldn't wait to find me
you'd rush in from outdoors
just to see if i could give you words online
ha ha
and then...i was replaced
over and over
and in other ways
no, not just swerved, but the pushing away that went with it
the loud voice, the reprimands
the asking, 'do you not have a life?'

and the lie, i never asked, the blatant lie
i talked to her, Miss M, you know?
i called...feigned being a salesperson
and she was home
not at the beach
with you
so the swervee was and that killed me
but not for the reason you may think

it killed me because 'she' had to have been invited
or at least made privy to the plans to go
and all those times
i flung myself at you
oh, God, why?
all those things i did to come and see you
ha ha
i was never invited
or made privy to plans
and i think that's what hurt the most
that i was not really wanted
not pretty enough, sexy enough, smart enough, cultured enough
from too simple a background, too rough around the edges?
what is a man to do? here "it" is, flung in your face...
then it all made sense

you made me your world
day after day, lots of words online, text, voice
and then BAM
those days were cut off
and little hints were here and there
tags meant for another that came to me
as i slept
and tasicalia...whatever THAT is...

but, you see, your joy is more important to me, so swerve on
i am not who i was
at
all.

i am just some girl
in Ohio

and there are incredible positive memories
good things
synergy
creativity
oh wow
how you nurtured my creativity
and now?
ha ha
i don't want to write or take ANY pictures
i don't want to learn the things i was ALMOST THERE on
or create projects
it hurts
way down in my tummy it does so

synergy
that was good
and the laughing
man oh man that was awesome

and the bad things?
i am so sorry
you never asked me
to do what i did
you just received me
and i believed
i guess i just misunderstood what you meant
and fell
hard
wow, was that pretentious or what? to think that i might
be that one
who could fill your empty places
enough
and "keep you"
from here...except for the occasional visit
oh, God, what was i thinking?
and i'm so sorry
for all those i hurt, even if they don't know it
i'm so sorry

and i want to love again
and be loved
held
touched

but for what i did, i am in that
"fearful looking for HIS judgement"
watching over my shoulder
afraid to receive forgivness
and it feels unfair to laugh
or enjoy anybodys company

i told him, you know?
he kept calling, asking why i wouldn't come home
i finally felt backed in a corner
told him in exasperation
about you
not details of course
but that you existed
and you know what he said?
i can forgive you if you just come home
ha ha
but by then, it was too late
he still wants me to come home

i am nothing but one mistake after another

but i digress

what i mean to say is, i cannot continue this way.
i need peace and there is no peace in this for me
only grief
and you will twist it and turn it
swerve any responsibility
tell me i am a drop-out
there was a time, the things
you say about longrunner...would cause me to feel guilt
but my pride is gone
i don't care what you say
i never left you holding the bag
you had a few other "bags" to hang onto
and at least one of them
was more of what you needed
that i was in the way of
so this is just
'yeild'
with no pain
less for you to juggle, really

i really like what donald miller says about writers
(even though i'm a wanna be -- my stuff is the stuff of blogs anyway)
something about writers being cowards
i gotta find that one

and i know that this is the right thing
not what i wanted
not what i want
but
i hear HIM
and i need peace.
Jehovah-Shammah, come

conversation snippet

2008-02-18T17:04:36Z

"You know? When you think about it, pictures are just time and light captured on paper..." the drummer

venting...aka

2008-02-18T16:12:51Z

venting...aka emptying thoughts that i would do well to organize before they fly out of memouth.

>the Spirit of Poverty...ah, boss, i sigh for you. there has to be a fine line between being a good business person and your money and yourself being your gods.

>one more implication about the girl across the street and the grand thefts that have occurred in this town in the past 24 months....*giant frown*

>greed...basically sucks.

>i am glad that i am not, nor have ever been, financially wealthy, though i consider myself to be excessively "rich".

>it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle...yeah, THAT.

>i need to change schools.

>i need to find classes i can take next quarter that i won't mind taking while i am "wait-listed" ... WHAT?!?!?!?!

>my brother-in-law thinks he is god. oooh my.

>i keep forgetting i am not twenty-something :-\
believe me, it has its negative side...

>i vascillate between intense hurt and anger, sympathy, the desire to not be a quitter and a love that will not die...thanks alot aye. what a mind#@ck.

P.S. StorySide:B rocks

quote...

2008-02-06T19:13:31Z

...the save date on properties is 18 June 2004

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell.
Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892 - 1950), Letters, 1952

lol
is that an oxymoron? i mean...missing H E L L lol
yikes!

...on waking up

2008-02-06T19:03:17Z

cleaning off my work computer, because i won't be 'here' much longer :)

but i found this, written 10/31/05:

Now all those “gestures” that came from my heart are like so much idiocy. How can I be so stupid? Wonder what made me believe, how many believers there are in the words you dole out so discreetly at first. No worries here, it’s what I won’t see that counts.

wow...hung in a long time, i did...took me aWHILE!! lol

feels good to be awake.

p.s.

2008-02-05T18:53:14Z

or, psy...

that is -- psy119

psychology

yeah, MUCH MUCH WORSE ON THE anti-creation curriculum.

more on che120

2008-02-05T18:41:54Z

lol
now i TOTALLY get why you go to school IMMEDIATELY following high school, if at all possible!

couple of things:
1. you're more resilient. the whole of my frustration seems to be coming from mental blocks about the curriculum. i don't like references to "the big bang", evolution, carbon dating. For some reason, my mind STICKS on those things when i encounter them and i find myself re-reading paragraph after paragraph just to absorb the facts of chemistry. i do like CHEMISTRY, i do. but the resilience comes in the skipping past objectinable stuff and cutting to the chase. i work on that more.

2. memorization. end of discussion ha ha!

there's lots to like about chemistry, such as what things are made up of; how elements interact with one another; configuration of said elements; that awesome thing they call the Periodic Table lol...for some reason, i like that thing! i think it has to do with organization. i like organization, though one could never arrive at that deduction by observing my life.

the two biggest things i like about chemistry just now? i mean outside of the info...my chemist-to-be son and my lab instructor. both are holding me in there, though i have yet to say as much out loud. my son, in his "victory lap" in college, is ALWAYS available with NO griping! he says, "Listen, isn't this neat, mom? You always helped me through things and now it's my turn to help you! You have always been there for me and I love that you call me to help you!" (joy tears, really)

and the lab instructor -- "Dr. D" -- the pace he keeps in the lab keeps me from falling off my feet, seriously. after working 9 - 5, flying up the highway to lab, i just want a nap! but he keeps a great pace, giving the outline of instruction, turning us loose to experiment and watching us or stepping in when necessary. he makes the funniest side-jokes that go right over some heads, but most of the kids appreciate his humor, as does this 'kid'. i share some anecdotal comments of Dr. D's that roll around in my head:

"First of all, I'm not particularly stuck on whatever you call me (could be anything behind my back!). I do have a PhD, but if you'd rather call me Mr., well, I answer to that, too."

(when i told him many of my friends wondered why a chemist with a doctorate would be teaching...his simple, yet profound reply...)
"...to see the 'light come on'..."

i really like this guy...

yeah, 'nuff said.

till later, i miss y'all...lots...but trying to get here now and then, k? <3

che120

2008-02-02T16:50:29Z

Unit 4 Discussion
020208

says David Templeton, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and as quoted on California Green Solutions (a website for green Californian's?) and in summary, I say:

First of all, just who IS John Kanzius? and what is his vocation? Why is he in a chemistry lab and where is that lab? Does he work there? What is his interest in cancer cell burning? And since the article I first found was dated September 2007, where is the research now on BOTH his cancer burning generator and his sea-water-for-fuel research? Believe me, when I catch up with my homework, I plan to find as many answers to these questions as possible. But for now, my curiosity is curbed by a national phenomenon I have recently been awakened to. (Please, allow me to digress for a moment...)

If there is sufficient excitement that this may well be an alternative to slavery to gasoline-oil-crisis-fuel-prices-green-problems, wouldn't the scientists be ALL OVER THIS research, working around the clock with experiments trying to prove or disprove the use of seawater as fuel? And would they not have this question refined down to a few more consistent lab results until production? Would there not be fifty-bah-zillion labs working on the facilities to produce this alternative? OR!!!!! Would the government do its stealthy magic and hide the truths from us? (I'm sorry -- flashbacks to story of Henry Ford and corn fuel...) AND I canNOT wait to go see what they're saying about this on Junk Science.... But I can't go there just now.

Whoever John Kanzius is, he (with his colleagues) has stumbled upon a way to use seawater to convert to fuel. It seems that Mr. Kanzius is doing research on a cancer-cell killing machine. Mr. K's machine is a radio-frequency generator. Rustum Roy, a Penn State University chemist, set out to prove or disprove this discovery. Nay-sayers suspected that Mr. K had slipped electrodes into the mix to make fire.
But the chemist from Penn has seen for himself what happened. I quote from the newspaper author, article cited above:

"Dr. Roy said the salt water isn't burning per se, despite appearances. The radio frequency actually weakens bonds holding together the constituents of salt water -- sodium chloride, hydrogen and oxygen -- and releases the hydrogen, which, once ignited, burns continuously when exposed to the RF energy field. Mr. Kanzius said an independent source measured the flame's temperature, which exceeds 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit, reflecting an enormous energy output."

We should "get this" because of our lessons lately, no? Dr. Roy calls this discovery "the most remarkable in water science in 100 years." Then, of course, come the disclaimers about how long it will take and how much money it will cost to research further. Oh, yay, let's get the government involved! *rolls eyes* (approached: the U.S. Dept of Energy and the U.S. Dept of Defense...) *please don't misunderstand my disdain for government involvement, it's just that dynamic about what benefit or loss the government would sustain if we solve the oil crises that concerns me...but that is another discussion ALTOGETHER!*

Please -- do yourself a favor and read the articles if they interest you in the very least, as it is fascinating! Meanwhile, I go finish homework, then I go look around more so I can answer all the questions flying around my head from this one...

loreelle044 @ 2007-11-25T20:08:00

2007-11-26T03:22:33Z

Billy Joel
» And so it Goes

In every heart there is a room,
a sanctuary safe and strong,
to heal the wounds
from lovers past,
until a new one comes along.

i spoke to you in cautious tones
you answered me with no pretense,
and still i feel
i said too much
my silence is my self defense.

and every time i've held a rose,
it seems i only felt the thorns,
and so it goes, and so it goes
and so will you soon i suppose
but if my silence made you leave
then that would be my worst mistake,
so i will share this room with you
and you can have this heart to break.

and this is why my eyes are closed
it's just as well for all i've seen,
and so it goes and so it goes,
and you're the only one who knows
so i will choose to be with you,
that's if the choice were mine to make
but you can make decisions too
and you can have this heart to break
and so it goes and so it goes,
and your the only one who knows

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eELB6NxrZ7A

well...that's where it came from...funny how it isn't even that way any more.

think about this...

2007-11-21T18:48:40Z

happy holiday off work and school and family fellowship time...every day is thanksgiving day, ya know?

loreelle044 @ 2007-11-21T09:39:00

2007-11-21T14:44:46Z

.
.
.

There are too many blessings in this life to mourn that which you never really had...

home, sweet L J

2007-10-17T04:32:54Z

so...for my english III class, we had to evaluate something. i chose blogs. i tried xanga. i love my L J for blogging. 'cept i miss the community stuff...no time since school started, but at least i feel i can be creative here and i do have a friends list...i love you guys...no, REALLY.

loreelle044 @ 2007-09-28T15:15:00

2007-09-28T19:18:01Z

-->describe the difference between choosing happiness and being a good actor/actress who is hurting inside (please?)

-->do we internalize our hurts and make everybody oblivious to them, or share to get help?

-->are these two things different? 1. pity party 2. crying out for help

just curious your thoughts mine be clouded today in the brilliant sunshine see the latest national geographic? the last two have amazing photography in them and some words i cannot see but i will soon the pictures soothe me is that because of from whence it came or because the photographers do so good?

why does remembering put me in a tail-spin?

2007-09-28T19:10:59Z

Meeting Significance

Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of insignificance. When my children were young and more dependent, there was no time to consider that possibility. Now they are young adults, mostly self-sufficient, and sometimes I feel useless. My heart breaks at how they grew up away from me. On these dark days, I think about being divorced from their dad and wonder if I tried hard enough to save that marriage. As if watching a movie re-run, I see them going with their dad for the summer. I remember believing I could work hard and save money all summer for a place of our own. That did not happen and they never came back. The summer with their dad turned into the rest of their high school lives, and I felt so useless. Even though I participated in every aspect of their growing up, it was nothing like being with them under the same roof. With these heartbreaks alone, the feeling of insignificance grows and I find I have worked myself into an emotional darkness.

On days when those thoughts crowd my mind and threaten to drown out all sense of direction, I operate in 'stun-mode'. My demeanor is that of being in a cloud, it seems I simply exist - one foot in front of the other, inhale, exhale, blink. I have been told that in the Buddhist sense, this is exactly what one needs to do to get out of the cloud . . . be very present in the moment and pay attention. I doubt I will remember that when the cloud rolls around again, but it sounds helpful. I will most likely find myself at the car wash. The car wash is one of many places I can work off some energy, do something positive and have some think time.

One chilly late-spring afternoon, emotions heading for that dark cloud, I went to wash my car. I pulled into the do-it-yourself stall and dug through my pockets for quarters. There was that tacky little string of brightly colored triangular flags hanging over the doorway of the car wash stall; they flapped softly in the breeze. As I washed the car, thinking about where I was in this life and where I wanted to be, the flapping flags demanded my attention. The sound was odd, as if there were some unnatural reason for the new insistence with which the flags crackled. I looked up and saw a bird on the string of flags, flapping his wings wildly in earnest. It took a minute for me to realize he was not moving away, but I thought maybe it was feeding time for some baby birds somewhere above the door opening. “Maybe he is just having a hard time landing on that string,” I mumbled quietly. As I inched nearer, I saw one of his bird-feet claws was tangled in a knot of loose thread that had once held the flags in place. I stopped and looked harder, seeing that this little creature was tangled beyond what I would have first imagined. There was a knot of string as big as a golf ball surrounding one claw. I could tell he had all but exhausted himself trying to get free, and had inevitably made his situation much worse.

There was only one thing for me to do -- try to cut him down. I got into my car, backed out of the stall and pulled in again; this time I was closer to the side opening so I could use the car as a make-shift ladder. The bird was not thrilled with my idea. He panicked and flailed all the more, flapping his wings and squawking his protest. Still, I opened the door of the car, stepped up on the side, and climbed onto the trunk lid. Shakily, I stood to reach for him, and again, he attempted to get away, but then suddenly calmed, more from exhaustion than relief. I started talking softly to him, assessing the situation, and I reached for him. He did not move. I gently smoothed my left hand down his back until I had a light grasp on his wings, to which he responded with attempts to peck me. Steady was my grip, I let him peck as I gently held his little body still. I then used my right hand to start pulling at the threads with my fingernails. “Nothing doing,” I muttered to myself. That knot had been hours, maybe even all day in the making. I held onto the little critter and desperately tried to imagine what object I might have in my car to start cutting string. I had no purse with me, only my wallet. My keys would not cut; they were too cumbersome and not sharp enough. I looked around for someone at the car wash who might have something I could use. There was nobody else there. Just then, two young boys rode close by on their bicycles. I called out to them, asking if one had a knife and telling them the bird was tangled. They approached and checked me out, as if not prepared to answer in the affirmative just yet. I told them I did not care what they had or why, I just needed to help this little creature get free, and sure enough, one reached in his pocket and pulled out quite a whittler. He pushed a silver knob on the side of the knife and schwing! The blade sprung free, glimmering in the sunlight. A little gasp escaped my throat as I surveyed the implement. 'Sheesh,' I thought, but then quickly recovered, took the knife and stood to reach for the trapped one.

Again, gently stroking my left hand down the bird’s back to steady his wings, I started picking and cutting at the string. In less than three minutes the little bird was free and the knot of string cut from his claw. I was so excited, and the little bird knew he had been set free. I held him a minute, gently talking to him, giving him a quick look to see if he had been hurt. He seemed fine, so I released him and as he flew away, the leg that had been caught dangled freely below him -- it had been broken by his attempts to free himself. That did not seem to hinder him from leaving our company. He flew just fine! The young boys were cheering in excitement as he flew. I extended the handle of the knife to its questionably rightful owner and apologized for not knowing how to close it. The boys exchanged looks and giggles and asked me why I went to all that trouble. I said, "You know what? I think that's the only reason I'm here. I came to wash my car, but I believe I am here to set that little guy free." Then I asked them, “Do you know the Bible says that a bird does not fall from the sky that God does not know about?” The boys looked at each other and back at me as I went on. “I believe God cared enough about that little bird to see that someone came by to set him free.” Then I told them that God knew them too and that He cared about them. As they started to ride away, they made some awkward comments, something along the lines of, "That's cool." Watching them go, I thought about how nice it was to get to share a biblical encouragement with the kids. It reminded me of all the days and hours I had spent with my own children, sharing what I had learned.

Just then I realized that I was talking to myself, not just the boys. God says I am significant in His eyes. All those lessons came back to me and I was reminded -- God knew what I was in the midst of, and it mattered and there was One who came by just to make sure I got free. I just had to be still and let that One cut the strings that bound me.

i get up...i get down...close to the edge...

m a K e iT sToP

2007-09-24T19:58:16Z

"...tears stream down your face, i promise you i will learn from my mistakes..."

thatisall

one more MUST hear (just in time for LUNCH!!!)

2007-09-19T15:31:24Z

Artist: Matt Redman
Album: Beautiful News

YOU Never Let Go

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

(Chorus)

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You!!

i like

2007-09-19T11:59:57Z

Strong Tower
by Kutless

When I wander through the desert
And I'm longing for my home
All my dreams have gone astray
When I'm stranded in the valley
And I'm tired and all alone
It seems like I've lost my way

I go running to Your mountain
Where Your mercy sets me free

You are my Strong Tower
Shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty
Everlasting King
You are my Strong Tower
Fortress when I'm weak
Your name is True and Holy
And Your face is all I seek

In the middle of my darkness
In the midst of all my fear
You're my refuge and my hope
When the storm of life is raging
And the thunder's all I hear
You speak softly to my soul

Written by Jon Micah Sumrall and Aaron Sprinkle © Meaux Mercy (BMI) / Blue Raft Music (BMI) / Spinning Audio Vortex (BMI) / Flush On The Flop Music (BMI) / Consuming Fire Music (ASCAP) / Thirsty Moon River Publishing (ASCAP) / Indecisive Music Publishing (ASCAP)

...and something ELSE!

2007-09-19T11:57:43Z

just love.

not just your lover, your kids, your spouse, your best friend - LOVE the UNloveable!! those who grate against your last nerve, those who you just don't understand why they do what they do or how they can live like they live, that person or them persons you try SO hard to dodge every day...

make a difference where you are today! RIGHT THERE WHERE YOU ARE!

love, me.

<3

because i am putting off getting back into algebra - me and math, we don't get along! :-/

a chuckle or a smirk

2007-09-17T12:05:04Z

"Promises are like pie crust - easily made, easily broken."
Mary Poppins

'at's all i gots t'say.

insert growl

2007-09-15T13:24:08Z

i got behind a car on my way home from work yesterday
it had a bumper sticker on it
"The King James Bible is God's PERFECT WORD"

oh really?

ya know how it came to be published as such?
i would think if you want a perfect bible, you'd get the original translations, Greek and Hebrew. let's learn aramaic!!!(study to show thyself approved, ye king james thumpers!!!!!!!!!!!)

and since that is not feasible for some, why not take one and break it down and study it yourownself? i don't think that sticker is a true statement.
when i get time, i will get the details in stone and share...but if anybody else wants to elaborate, i can jump-start the conversation...

ever hear that the king or whoever was in charge of the king james version printing, locked people in a room and wouldn't let them out till they agreed on his editing? gads i hope i didn't mis-state that....see? i need the research, but its close...more later....shower time and bank run...a little creative financing, mehopes. gosh.

p.s. God's PERFECT WORD is JESUS...the bible is the message...

<3 love is the answer

in short

2007-09-15T13:13:18Z

ok, so i feel better
my LJ is for my rantings and such
and though i came on really strong, i wanted to
i meant to
it felt good too
to let out what was on my mind
even if it's considered incorrect
whatEVER
see? i was on the receiving end of a lecture
ranting of his own
the ex
my kids' dad
funny how things go -
the baby struggles
and he is so like me
breaks my heart as i sometimes do my own
but ok, mom to the rescue
thank you, God for that opportunity
that i was available to him
and he called
well...he didn't
his ex-girl called but he let me talk to him
and when i went for him
he got in the car
came home with me
stayed from 6 am till 11 pm
and we had some grand bonding time
i think he slept my whole work day
i don't care
i try to soothe him
encourage him
it won't always be like this
new job in two weeks
hang on baby
so out of courtesy, i call his dad
baby actually lives there sorta
when he's not staying at friends' houses
wonder why he does THAT
to avoid the confrontations
the way-less-than-gentle "discussions"
more like the grilling
what are you doing about work? money? school? life?
and baby feels like a loser
give me a break
i could rant for pages about the shortcomings of the dad
but i won't
because i have a forgiving spirit
give a guy another chance, ex included
and the funny thing, the irony is, (this ALWAYS happens)
with baby here, i get nostalgic and wistful
'er somethin'
thinking what our lives would be like had we (their dad and i) stayed married
how i miss being a family
but more than that
how it makes these kids who they are
YOU DON'T REALIZE HOW DIVORCE AFFECTS YOUR CHILDREN, EVEN WHEN THEY ARE GROWN, YOUNG ADULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARE YOU HEARING ME?!?!?!?!
everyone handles it differently
one is an over-achiever
one is a work-a-holic, study-a-holic, alcoholic
one is just "lost" according to him...yet they are all amazing marvelous young adults

k, so - the courtesy call
to let the ex know the baby is with me
and he says, "he's 21. i don't worry about where he is when he doesn't come home"
oh really.
k, sorry to bother you
ah, but wait! i have your ear! i'm going to lecture YOU
about our youngest
lots of expletives
wheeeeeeeeee
don't miss THAT
and rip me about the baby lying to you???
ha ha! you don't lie, do you?
you don't ____________ and _______________ and _______ ___....
so i guess i was ranting on the ex
because i'm a coward
i sit there quietly
listening
letting him vent
saying nothing
tears come
and then memories
of how many rivers there were of them damned tears
ha
ok, rant on, my friend! i get to hang up when i want
he says, "i'm sorry to take it out on you, but....." i don't recall the rest
i was laughing and crying all at once
and i said, "i'm at work, i need to get back to it"
and he said something dismissive
perhaps he was a little embarassed
and i said, "have a good one"
and i could hear my voice breaking up
damnitall
i HATE when he hears it
and it lets him know
i still
cower

i hush now
just wanted ya to know what it is

and today is a new day
we walk on
in it

find some joy today! i am.

it's only words....

2007-09-14T18:12:55Z

ever lie? even a little one? "white" kind?
ever sin? "make a mistake"? we don't like the word "sin" do we? ha ha
what about being dishonest? ever take stuff from work? even a post it note pad? or a pen? an envelope? work gloves? screws? broom?
ever scald someone with words? make fun of someone? tease someone because of their differences? even just jokingly?
what about deceipt? isn't that the same thing as a lie? dishonesty?
ever kill someone? even in your mind? maybe just put the hurt on 'em? how 'bout thinking bad thoughts? hoping for their demise? ever wanna yank someone's hair out? punch 'em in the face? kick their shins? REAL HARD? push 'em down? kick 'em in the ribs too?
how do you deal with being on the spot when you're wrong? deal with it straight up? lie under pressure? make up little stories? itty bitty ones? half-truths? good grief. ever enhance a story? embellish it a little? make it a little more dramatic so someone will be sure to have sympathy? or laud you for your bravery? holy cow. (they are in some places, you know?)

you are who you are
and are you forgiven? well, do you want to be? ever ask? and then walk that way? or retreat to same ol' same ol'? are you covered? SURE! Grace abounds, ya know? but do you REALIZE it? do you care? or are you the god? is what you want more important? what others think of you more important? what you meant to do more relevant? i dunno.

just a head full of heartaches
he was drunk stumbling down the street at 5 am, i go get him
i corral him to my car and my apartment
he is sobbing
takes off his shirt and uses as a snot-rag
good grief
the girl dumped him months ago
and she torments him
and he's ashamed, embarassed
lots of pressure
no job
not in college
no girl
vicious cycle, drink, feel like a failure, drink some more
do better
fall down
get up
fall down
baby - get up, k? i hold your hand...we get through it
don't lie to your daddy, though i completely understand
he is intimidating
abrasive is a kind word for his delivery
but he knows no other way
and he loves you
i take the fall for you today
he yelled at me ha ha just like the old days
i'll never tell you
but don't lie to him
if you aren't going to school, ohmyGod, it's ok
you aren't a loser
so quit believing that lie
we are all different
we all need our own sense of direction
you invested too much in the girl
and she hurt you
but let's be honest with everyone, k?

no more lies
not TO us
not FROM us
k, my little man?
we work it out together
and i love you even more
because you are just like me
buckle under pressure
make something up to get him off your back
and ultimately
make it worse
your girl - that's my fault too
for what i did
over and over
and the lies
God have mercy, PLEASE

and i walk that way
thanking HIM for a new day
asking HIM for another shot
at being who HE made me to be
and ya know what?
HE nods
opens HIS arms, HE does
holds me like HIS child
i am you know?
as are you.
shall we realize that? amazing stuff, it is baby.
c'mere...let mommy hold you one more time
you'll always be my baby
and i love you no matter what
and HE
loves you
MORE.

love, mom

k, so when i hurt, especially when i hurt for my kids, i rant, rave and babble incoherently. yesiknowthis.